why I hate October

It hit me slowly. Walking into my favorite coffee shop in Early October.

The wall of pink tulips.

with words on them.

The small table

with a sign, a pen and more pink tulip post it notes.

The invitation

to write the name of a loved one to add to the tulip garden.

The garden

to pause and remember those who have fought and are still fighting.

My response?

I turned and walked out

I love that its not swept under the rug. I love the public awareness. I love the passion of folks donating to the cause. I love, love, love being a cheerleader!

But I hate the reminders. Especially when I'm blind-sided.

Being reminded takes me back to that place when my first loved one was diagnosed.

Breast Cancer? How?

Wait...they found it when the tumor grow so big it broke her ribs?

How did no one know?

What now?

Praise Jesus for stubborn women. Women who take a prognosis of 6-12 months and tell it to sod off. Praise Jesus for "last vacations, last holiday celebrations, last birthdays" multiple times over. Praise Jesus for so many years of still fighting that I can't remember how many it's been.

I hate that it feels almost routine. That the announcement is met with an okay. We know how to fight this. Chicken Soup must be made, blankets must be knitted and fuzzy hats must be purchased.

Today I wasn't blind-sided. While perusing TED.com (love, love, love) I stumbled across this video: A tool that finds 3x more breast tumors, and why it's not available to you.

Now we all know I love a good conspiracy theory. And I know it necessarily isn't all true. But it gives me hope for the future. That maybe I won't always hate October as much as I do now.

I turned and walked out of my favorite coffee shop, cause I know too many women. Too many names to add to the wall. Too many women for whom sometimes I just like to forget the hard path that they've taken. Too many women who I just want to appreciate for this moment right now.